BOB
COSTAS UNEDITED.
February
22, 2002
by Bill Hogan
Day 15 of NBC’s coverage of the Winter Games. I think Bob Costas is doing a pretty good job as the nightly anchor. It’s not easy filling all those hours with quality material.
Just once, though,
I’d like to see the mild mannered Costas take the gloves off and really
tell us what he thinks about what’s going on in Salt Lake City. No holds
barred. Let us have it. Like:
"Now let’s go to the finals of the Women’s Biathlon. Twenty minutes
of beastly Eastern Europeans on skis, toting guns – might be a good time
for one of those Victoria Secret commercials".
"American speed skater Derek Parra added a gold medal and a World Record in the 1500m to go along with his silver. Parra shaved two seconds off his previous best time at that distance – that’s unbelievable! Maybe somebody should give that man a urine test."
"Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of the Women’s Curling Finals. Wow, that sounds like something you might hear at a beauty salon – hey Jim?"
"Let me see if I’ve got this straight. In Curling, a player slides a stone that looks like a chubby iron down a sheet of ice at a target called the house while two guys with brooms sweep the ice in front of the stone? Hmm, no wonder American men aren’t interested, it sounds too much like housework."
"We previously reported that the USOC was flooded with threatening emails regarding short-track speedskating gold medalist Apolo Anton Ohno after his controversial victory in the 1,500 meter race. Most of the email was sent from sources in South Korea. We apologize for our error in reporting this story. It turns out that the threatening email was sent to Yoko Ono from a group in South Jersey that still holds her responsible for the Beatles break-up some thirty years ago."
"We’re back. I don’t know about you, but these endless commercial breaks are just a little easier to take when they run that Victoria Secret ad – don’t you think? Speaking of Victoria Secret, how about (figure skating pairs co-champion) Jamie Sale. I wouldn’t mind watching her shuffle down a runway in a bra and panties."
"Thanks, Jim for that fascinating look back at the 1980 Hockey Team. In fact, it was exactly twenty-two years ago today that a group of young Americans pulled off the greatest upset in Olympic history by beating the Soviet Union 4-3 in Lake Placid. As a sports historian, I must point out that, as miraculous as that win was, it did not secure the United States a gold medal. Don’t worry, Jimbo, that’s a common mistake. Afterall, it has been twenty-two years. And you’re what about ninety now? [Short pause].
I hate to keep going on about this, Jim, but we still had to get by a very scrappy team from Finland two days later in order to win the gold medal. And that was no small task. Team U.S.A. was down 2-1 after two periods before scoring three times in the third for a 4-2 win. [Short pause].
People do the same thing with the ’86 World Series. Everybody blames Bill Buckner for the Red Sox losing the Series. Sure, he cost them game six, but the Mets still had to win game seven. Buckner didn’t lose game seven by himself! Burns my butt when I hear people say that Buckner lost the series for the Sox."
"We’ll be back after this commercial message. No, wait a minute, we’re not going anywhere. What do I get, about 30-seconds of airtime before we go to another commercial? I barely had enough time to chew out old Jim McKay and off we go again. Not this time."
"I’m doing the Scott Hamilton interview sitting down. I don’t want the whole world to know he’s taller than me. And if Coke and Baccardi are NBC Sponsors, why is it so hard to get a drink around here?"
"I’m dying out here, somebody get me (skier) Bode Miller. His minus-20 degree outhouse story is a hoot. I thought Seinfeld was the only person allowed to talk about shrinkage on the air."
"I keep forgetting, am I live or previously recorded from a live broadcast?"
"U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A."
That would be a fun broadcast to watch.
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