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June 28, 2002

by Bill Hogan



I'm thinking about writing a screen play for a big budget, action packed blockbuster movie focusing on the sports world.

But before I start casting, I'll wait and see how the recently announced Britney Spears/NASCAR collaboration works out. ("Days of Thunder" meets "Oops… I did it again"?)


NASCAR is excited about working with the young superstar because they are looking to expand their fan base. They want to expose the virtues and excitement of NASCAR to the untapped masses. (I assume they are targeting Britney Spears fans).

Sounds like a great marketing plan. Except NASCAR is already one of the most popular spectator sports in America. They have television deals with NBC, Turner and Fox worth close to 3 billion dollars.

I'm not sure they'll be able to find any fans that haven't already been tapped. I defy you to walk into a Wal-Mart without bumping your cart into a display of officially licensed NASCAR merchandise. And there are more Jeff Gordon television commercials than there are Gene Hackman movies.

I love the concept, but certainly there are other professional sports that are more in need of the kind of "shot in the arm" that is generated by a Britney Spears theatrical extravaganza.

My screenplay is going to involve a sport that is desperate for attention. One that cries out for Britney-type exposure.

The Professional Bowlers Tour comes to mind. Which is hard to believe since the Pro Bowlers Tour never really comes to mind when I'm thinking sports. All the more reason to get Britney involved in a blockbuster production.

And Brad Pitt as a hopeless ex-bowler driven out of the sport he loves because he cannot convert the seven-ten split. He turns to the bottle and hangs out day and night in the lounge at a local bowling alley.

Britney is a barmaid at the lounge working her way through college. The two fall in love and find true happiness which gives Pitt the strength and courage to conquer the dreaded seven-ten.

In the final scene, Britney travels to Reno to watch Brad make his professional debut, he wins the tournament and they go off to find an all-night wedding chapel.

The tentative title is "Strikes and Spears" and the movie will include cameo appearances by PBA stars Norm Duke, Ryan Shafer and Parker Bohn III.

How about two hours of high-powered drama centered around the Pro Rodeo Circuit? You didn't know there was a Pro Rodeo Circuit? My point, exactly. Time for a heavy dose of Britney with co-star John Travolta - I know he's getting old, but he has (mechanical) bull riding experience.

In an attempt to elude her ruthless and domineering father (played by the tireless Gene Hackman), Britney signs on as a Rodeo clown and inconspicuously travels the country staying one step ahead of her dad.

Travolta is a popular bull rider but suffers from a case of Attention Deficit Disorder and can't seem to stay focused long enough to stay on the dang bull for the requisite eight seconds.

The anonymous Britney captures the audience's attention and their hearts with her well choreographed bull-distracting dance routines and revealing clown suits.

Soon word spreads of the little clown with the big…..feet and she is featured on SportsCenter. Fearing that her father will recognize her, she decides that she can no longer perform her duties as a Rodeo clown but agrees to one last performance.

But her mind is elsewhere and, alas, she is gored by a raging bull. Travolta, who has secretly fallen in love with the curvaceous clown, accompanies Britney to the hospital and is told she needs an expensive surgical procedure to survive.

Travolta contacts the only man with the means to help – Hackman….

I haven't worked out the rest of the story yet, but I'm using "Britney Speared" as the working title.

If things work out, maybe Ty Murray and Joe Beaver will become household names.

And I can see the Parker Bohn III bobble head doll becoming a hot commodity on E-bay.

Britney Spears may become the next great spokesperson of the sports world.

She can host the ESPY's and announce the next Heisman Trophy winner. She can sing the National Anthem at the World Series and Super Bowl and put together a little ice-dancing routine for the Stanley Cup Finals.

I wonder if I can get her to wear a 115sports.com tube-top at her next concert.


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